a quiet night and the chicken house 3 in sight from my window in the dark

It has been an eventful day.

I even had to leave home and stay out in the front lawn because mom kicked me out of the house

it was the car insurance issue with mom and dad

 

life makes a desperate account of lives obscured by camouflage

 

I refuse to be dumb no longer

mom was making her argument and I was sitting and listening beginning to be  a little mired in by her words

but i said let's doubt here

and proceeded to

My head cleared

and I wasn't feeling stupid any more as I was beginning to.

 

The dell com is on my stool this time

and the window is to my right

the dark is quiet

and not a car is passing 

and dad is probably out in the chicken houses doing the night rounds at the farm

I had my dinner early to avoid eating with my parents

and had been up here ever since then.

 

I love fake, Leo says, God says.

I need to real love 

by figuring out the reality as it is.

 

When high school happened and I started probing into my own self

so I would face and delve into my hypocrisy 

that might be so contemptible to my classmates

 

matt says I saw a reality for itself

for the first time maybe

because my family was manipulating me

for their own

and reality portrayed to me was a fake one.

 

it must have been a quiet night like this

when i sat with a notebook in my hands somewhat like today

and fiercely and resolutely wrote down the words

'I am ashamed of ......'

and with closed eyes I made myself write the shame down on paper

and opened them again to 

FACE the guilt 

 

it was horrible

and the guilt the defamy was unbearable

and my existence was unbearable

 

when I attended 임영수 목사님's lectures on the inner self: a child to be cared for

and how he explained the face we put on to present ourselves to the world

and how in doing so we neglect and abuse our inner child

 

that hint provided some hope for me

and I started reviving then

God providing a way out

when my guilt was the most unbearable.

and I finding reasons behind my culpation.

 

Never more would I be able to live down

a guilt so written on my heart

such is the acutest pain I would say

that can not be lived down

 

a scary thought

that must induce action

or a dead me

ensues.